Dr. Linda Miles, a seasoned psychotherapist with over three decades of experience, shared with me her profound insights into the often overlooked dimension of relationships – the energy created between partners.
Imagine walking into a room after a couple has fought. You can almost feel the heaviness lingering in the air, can’t you? This tangible atmosphere is what Dr. Miles refers to as the combined consciousness of a couple, an entity as real and vital as the individuals themselves.
Dr. Miles draws our attention to the wisdom of philosopher and priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, who once told a wedding couple that there were three entities present: the bride, the groom, and a ‘baby’ – their combined consciousness. This ‘baby’ needs nurturing and care, lest it fall ill or even perish.
The journey of a relationship, as Dr. Miles describes it, often begins with a romantic phase. During this time, the world is viewed through a beautiful kaleidoscope, with partners projecting images of beauty, goodness, and love onto each other and their surroundings. It’s a time when differences fade into the background, and the combined consciousness shines brightly.
But what happens when the rose-tinted glasses come off? Dr. Miles candidly shares her own experience. Despite being mental health professionals, she and her husband had to “drop the baby on its head many times” before learning to manage their differences while maintaining closeness. She recounts a day-long right-wrong game that ended with her husband dramatically declaring, “If there were a jury of your peers here, they would also say you are wrong!” It was only then that they could step back, find compassion and humor, and remember that no judge would magically appear to settle their dispute.
As couples move beyond the romantic phase, they often become entrenched in power struggles. Partners may start to see each other as cardboard cut-outs onto which they project threatening characters from their past. This shift can lead to soulless, rigid right-vs-wrong games that separate partners not only from each other but from the positive transcendence of their combined consciousness.
But there’s hope. Dr. Miles offers practical tools for couples to manage the potentially creative or destructive powers that often unconsciously exist between them. She advises focusing on the process between partners rather than their differences, accepting imperfections while looking for deeper meanings in repetitive arguments, and getting curious about learned patterns projected onto partners.
One particularly poignant suggestion is to co-create a picture of the ideal relationship and visualize it daily. This practice can help couples stay focused on their shared goals and dreams, even during challenging times.
Dr. Miles also emphasizes the importance of language, suggesting the use of “we” when discussing problems instead of blaming one another. She recommends developing a code word to use when either partner is too reactive to have a productive discussion. In her relationship, they use “persimmon” – its amusing sound helps break the tension and reminds them of how “puckered up” they’re acting.
Perhaps most importantly, Dr. Miles encourages couples to work on being curious instead of furious. This shift in perspective can open up new avenues for understanding and connection.
She concludes with a touching anecdote from Marion Woodman, who describes the moment she saw her husband free of her projections for the first time. It was a simple scene – her husband attempting to poach an egg – but in letting go of judgment, she was able to see and love him just as he was.
Dr. Miles reminds us that conscious relationships require more than just individual growth. They demand awareness of the energy created between partners, nurturing of the ‘baby’ that is their combined consciousness, and a willingness to see beyond projections to the true essence of our loved ones. It’s a challenging journey, but one that promises deeper connection, understanding, and love.
Published by: Nelly Chavez
